The recipients of these letters were then asked how they felt receiving them. 2018;41(2):615-636.doi:10.1007/s40614-018-0136-y. Even after a decade of training people on how to give and receive recognition, I still make a conscious effort to not deflect others praise. Just look at Sephora and ULTA, behemoth beauty brands, whose very business models depend on women to feel bad about themselves. Acquiring and practicing new skills is one tactic you might try. Sure, the truth can sometimes escape us, but everyone's ears perk up when someone compliments a notoriously unfashionable person for their fashion or a truly terrible cook for their contribution to the potluck. The more aware you become of your thought patterns and how they impact you, the more liberated you will feel in being able to transform them. Generally, the creepy compliment is about some aspect of the person that you find attractive. Do any of these responses feel familiar to you? Little children are cute. (Stage 1: Freeze.) | Jen Kim is a former Psychology Today intern and a graduate of Northwestern University. She is so conceited. I know you always help me get there. For example, some people with low self-esteem talk negatively about themselves, while others go out of their way to make sure other people are pleased with them. It wouldnt have been possible without your guidance!, C) You quickly change the subject:*awkward smile* So um, did you see the game last night?, D) You write it off: It was nothing, just doing my job., E) You pass the credit: It was really a team effort., F) You convince them youre not that great: I really dont think I did a good job, heres why. Telling your spouse youre so impressed with how they parent in a general way can make it seem like youre surprised theyre managing at all, Fisher says. J Vocation Behav. While its hard to change our conditioned responses overnight, here are three ways to help transform our relationship with praise: 1) Know its about the giver, not you (the receiver) 2) Reframe vulnerability as openness 3) Recognize your learned behaviors. Take the context into account, and always consider the audience for your compliment., Flirty compliments are fine in the dating scene, but they should never be used in casual conversation. Theres nothing wrong with wearing makeup or complimenting someones makeup, just dont imply that theyre hideous without it, says Shira Taylor Gura, well-being coach, author, and host of the podcast Getting unSTUCK. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Try to avoid subjects that could make the recipient feel uncomfortable or insecure. Emotional Reactivity, Behavior Problems, and Social Adjustment at School Entry in a High-risk Sample. Attractive women are the most lethal. You may not be able to stop your natural physiological response to a compliment, but you can try to reframe the experience. When these negative thoughts take hold, work to actively identify cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking and jumping to conclusions. In fact, only 50% of people in one experiment who wrote down a compliment for a friend actually sent the compliment along when given the chance, even though theyd already done the hardest part coming up with something nice and thoughtful to say. When it comes to deciding whether to express praise or appreciation to another person, doubt creeps in. J Adolesc Health. Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. This compliment reads both as an insult to their reproductive choicesYou have too many kidsand to their children, implying they must be a saint to deal with them. Perhaps you were told your outfit was stunningwhen it was really just jeans and a t-shirt. Self-Deprecation: Harmless Habit or Unhealthy Behavior? READ THIS NEXT: 39 Random Acts of Kindness You Can Do That Are Totally Free. While everyone struggles with their confidence once in a while, low self-esteem can affect your ability to feel happy. Because they fear failure, they tend to either avoid challenges or give up quickly without really trying. Our editors and experts handpick every product we feature. The role of construal level and self-esteem in accepting positive feedback from close others, Perceived social support, self-esteem, and internet addiction among students of Al-Zahra University, Tehran, Iran, What factors are associated with resilient outcomes in children exposed to social adversity? Like these babies! Kendra holds a Master of Science degree in education from Boise State University with a primary research interest in educational psychology and a Bachelor of Science in psychology from Idaho State University with additional coursework in substance use and case management. She doesn't feel cocky or unfairly targeted, and I don't feel as threatened. But there are things you can do to help protect your mental well-being while taking steps to improve your self-regard. For example, you might say I believe you'll make the right choice in the end. In order to gain external validation, people who don't feel good about themselves may go above and beyond to make sure that others are comfortable and happy. For instance, if you react with surprise at someones good quality or behavior, make them feel uncomfortable, or even perpetuate a racial or gender stereotype, then that compliment is now insulting. Try to match the intensity of your compliment to how much you genuinely are impressed. Show yourself the same unconditional support instead of beating yourself up. 2018;121(1):48-58.doi:10.1177/0033294117720697, Gao Z, Gao S, Xu L, et al. Low self-esteem can encompass a range of factors, such as your sense of identity, self-confidence, feelings of competence, and feelings of belonging. One way to overcome this bias is to look at your compliments the same way the recipient does, focusing less on how competently you are conveying them and more on the warmth they convey. What is most striking in this example is that both women assume the other is not being sincere. In this case, not saying "thank you" to a compliment might actually put both of us at ease. If however you compliment my personality, intelligence, attitude, etc I am more likely to be interested in you. 2023 Galvanized Media. Modesty, the ubiquitous cultural and religious culprit behind society's obsession with cultivating demure, submissive, and compliant women, has been inculcated in most women from an early age. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts. var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=52707a7f-b482-4b2d-9386-5cec636bd587&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=213069064009190449'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); Little compliments are the kind of currency the world could use more of. The ability to set boundaries is often established early in life. They are also more likely to have a more positive view of themselves in general. How do you think that may impact your experience of recognition as an adult? With sprinkles. It doesn't deliver the feel-good effect you think it does and it could diminish any future attempts of doing so. A Simple Compliment Can Make a Big Difference - Harvard Business Review Sometimes, as a marriage continues, one spouse says things that ultimately could lead to disrespectful interactions within that marriage. Access more than 40 courses trusted by Fortune 500 companies. Compliments can hit the mark or fail miserably. This behavior shouldn't come as a surprise when everywhere we look, women are pressured to meet impossible standards of beauty. As a rule, dont comment on someone elses relationship status unless she brings up the topic first. It is up to you to respond positively to praise so you can feel better about yourself. But certain compliments can have implications that arefar from complimentary. 2020;11:1447. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01447, Woods HC, Scott H. #Sleepyteens: Social media use in adolescence is associated with poor sleep quality, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Kendra Cherry, MS,is the author of the "Everything Psychology Book (2nd Edition)"and has written thousands of articles on diverse psychology topics. Allow yourself to appreciate your worth and your talents without making comparisons or focusing on areas you'd like to improve. It might also make you more sensitive to criticism or rejection. Front Psychol. Researchers found that men who rated their female friends as physically attractive also felt more sexual attraction to those friends. You dont need to be better in order to value yourselfbut learning to value yourself can help you work toward your goals. Generally, the creepy compliment is about some aspect of the person that you find attractive. I wouldn't have made the compliment if I didn't mean it. Complimentary words do not align with their beliefs about themselves, so people with self-esteem issues may feel that the other person is being flippant or even cruel. Thesaurasize - When you need a better small but terrible word. I don't believe women enjoy being cruel to each other. One interviewee in my study shared, In my house, if you are not being told youre doing something wrong, youre doing it right. But when someone says they loved it, understand that it is their experience, not yours. The fact that this positive sense of terrible is attested in two seemingly unrelated dialects suggests that it may arise (or have arisen) in other specific subcultures as well, but so far it appears not to have come into general use with that meaning in British or North American English. In the words of psychologist and authorGuy Winch:People with low self-esteem are often uncomfortable receiving compliments but not everyone who is uncomfortable receiving compliments necessarily has low self-esteem.. If you have low self-esteem, it can be helpful to share your struggles with someone who offers unconditional support. Indeed, one experiment found that focusing on the warmth, sincerity, and friendliness their compliments convey increases peoples interest in giving compliments to others. Rather than build themselves up with positive self-talk, they always seem to have something negative to say about themselves, engaging in negative self-talk instead. We then asked those same participants to actually compliment another person, and we compared how that person actually felt after receiving the compliment to how participants imagined that person would feel. Referred to as cognitive dissonance . Raising your self-esteem may take some time and effort. People with low self-confidence tend to have low self-esteem, and vice versa. Surprises often bring joy or excitement, and for some people, even emotionally pleasant news can be cognitively intense. Its simultaneously challenging and freeing to let my guard down and actually accept gratitude from others even when I dont feel I deserve it.