What does it mean when your wife doesn't show affection? Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. If you have to ask whats so I important about having sex, you must be doing it wrong. It makes me feel sick. There is simply no point in brushing the problem under the carpet. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo. I hope the partner didnt expect to share the celibacy. Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. Haha it isnt always easy but I try to focus where we are in life. That lie: its not important, only if you want it. I bet you think all men are stupid as well. There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments. Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? Many health issues can affect a woman's sexual desire, from diabetes to chronic pain conditions to cancer. We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. I want to divorce my husband!!! You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. I guess. Demanding sex is not way to go, maybe we would like to hear her opinion. But if neither of those possible remedies to the sexless marriage proves satisfactory, then perhaps the couple should agree to allow the husband to seek sex outside of the marriage. We were together for 14 years. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. Except that one little thing. Your story is very very simular to mine. Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. I would be willing to bet the majority of men in our position have gone above and beyond to save our marriages, only to get a SELFISH wife to deny us to the point that we lose all our self esteem. When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. A free doctor approved gut health guide featuring shopping lists, recipes, and tips. What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). Now he tries to help, but its always falling on me, no matter the pain to do it. But, if we actually *wish* to engage our brains, we do have the brains that God gave us, the brains through with which we can engage in thoughtful interpretation of facts. , checking in with yourself is also good. In fact, I recently read that most sexless marriages are due to lack of desire in the men. He is correct, the therapists want you to have hope so they can have the clients, I spent plenty on it and made numerous loving conversations. So its a trope that the man is always the one with the higher desire and the one left frustrated. Someday I might take a sex vacation overseas. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. Between her legs the next time.4, stop watching porn if you know this makes her feel uncomfortable as we all know when men watch porn that will lead into you not being able to get it up for her because you have been watching photoshops porn and all you want is that fake lady so you go out and cheat on your wife then come home and accuse her of cheating and thats why she is not having sex with you. So we settle. I agree, there is more going on than just someone spending all their time doing other things. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. I decided to work the night shift and made it my thing. I just CANNOT do things he EXPECTS from me because of how that makes me feel, ESPECIALLY when it comes to intimacy. Discussing the problem is a problem in itself because she simply get very irritated and by it and thats the end of that! If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. Do I disgust her? In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. He is ten years older. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. oh Pamela, I hear you! I cant say all women are like this but the handful I have been with do not talk about what feels good to them or what they would like me to do and/or do differently. Our marriage still isnt consummated, and this grieves me as I yearn to be loved in this way. Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. Less. Thank you for sharing! She has absolutely no interest in it. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. We now live in a society that it is selfish or disrespectful for a man to insist or ask for sex. A sexologist is not going to be able to overcome a lack or imbalance of hormones. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. Once you cross into the no sex zone there is NO going back. You begin to see the problem. We have no children. Hello Will, That doesnt mean you should not try, but know when trying is of no use. My wife sleeps through most of this so I try to keep quiet and let her sleep. Wife won't touch me sexually | Talk About Marriage Its only going to get worse. I am not allowed in the shower/bathroom when she is showering or changing. Im so confused. Yes! Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. I thank you for stating in so frank a manner every frustration that has engulfed me for over 40 years. Sorry about no sex demise. As well as almost no feeling there as well. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. As if I was only there as a sperm donor. Why waste your money and time on hookerd? Thank you, Harry. Cancer is pretty much a death sentence. Our finances have never been merged and the only money between us has been my initial investment in her business. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. I am beginning to think that we are supposed to get old. We stopped having sex ten years ago, she wont talk about it. Weve been married for 27 years and have 3 adult children. We both have health issues If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. Were a distinctive, diverse collection of people aged 60 and older who are busy changing the way we age by embracing opportunities to reshape our lives, connect with and help one another, and change the world for the better all while learning, growing, and having fun! How should I phrase it? State your case to your partners. my dad still wants to have sex but my mom is too tired and no longer comfortable with sex. Estrogen levels drop while a woman is transitioning into menopause, which can cause vaginal dryness and cause sex to be painful or just downright uncomfortable. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. There are physical and emotion consequences to withholding sex from a partner. Not sure what feels worse, not getting any or getting it with her just laying there. 19. messages where she was being flirtatious to a local musician . We do love each other though. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. Once the children appeared on the scene I would never have done anything that would risk us splitting up. As I recall when we first started dating we were watching porn together. I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. Asking yourself such questions can help you on your way to a more active and satisfying sex life with your wife. I met a man at work a while back, he was attracted to me, he was in a sexless marriage (so he said). On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. If your sex life is devoid of experimenting with new sexual positions, role play, dressing up, creating a sensual ambiance, theres a chance that the same sexual routine has become boring and tiresome for your wife and she has started avoiding all physical contact. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? But she works in a male-dominated field and loves to flirt this drives me bat shit crazy as I know I will never be there with her again. Married 36 years, neither of us had sex with anyone including each other until our wedding night: It was tough, but my choice. He seems to think (as far as I can surmise) that sex is just a little bit dirty or should only be used for procreation purposes. Sounds like you were already successful and that attracted her to you. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. I was sleep-deprived for the first four months, getting about three and half hours of sleep a night. If you go too directly and/or too soon to her vulva before shes aroused, shell likely just want to withdraw. What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? No one wants to talk about it. Im 65 and he is 74. Makes me happy Im not married. She actually told me that my friend who went through a similar situation was in need of therapy because his wife caught him watching porn. Senior Planets comments are open for all readers/subscribers; we love hearing from you! If us men were all so lucky! To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. The frequency began to dwindle a few years back and now has been more than a year since we have had sex. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met. At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! . Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. I understand completely!!!! Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. Feel like I have him a lifetime!!! He also has an enlarged prostate and his GP said that testosterone therapy could bring on cancer. There is a lot more going on there. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. Youre right that its a huge, painful problem. What is the solution? This is a huge problem, how can I live with someone who feels this way? All this can cause a person to go into anger and hibernate. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. You are not catering to her sexual needs, How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating, build a successful relationship after cheating, communication exercises with your partner, 10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship. These promises went on for three years and sex dwindled to once a week, once a month then stopped altogether. When he gets it, his wife & children are covered in security & abundance. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. This is so depressing!! Both Men and women slow down there sex drive but women sex drive is so on the back burner and frankly they dont care about mens sex drive needs. She never apologized. The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. Amen. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Join us online to gain access to exclusive benefits and opportunities only for Senior Planet Supporters! Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. Id never treat him as she does! I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! Thank you for sharing! Look, we have all pretty much aged our of sexual adventurism but our minds refuse to accept it. I certainly feel your pain and utter frustration. That feeling lasts for several days afterwards. Our mouths and fingers still work! However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. It literally changed our lives. With out being rude . You bet. If I push thru to be happy and have energy, he expects me to be like I was 20 years ago. There are many causes, physical and emotional, why your wife wont have sex with you anymore. . You have made a commitment to one another to do more than go through the daily grind or process of pretending to have a mutual satisfying relationship when in fact, you are simply roommates! Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. I absolutely adore my wife/partner I love her dearly and would do anything for her. Then it was more of a hurry it up thing. We love each other but no sexual contact leads to a very frustrating relationship. What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. Im 47 and this happened to me. 10 year sexless marriage. Am I ugly? I became completely numb to anything. Awful!!! I am afraid Buck is correct. Hopefully I will die and be out of this misery. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! He is a selfish person he is only thinking of himself. Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? Porn is the no. Be truthful. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. Equality sounds great in principle people should be equal, right? I havent had a BJ for about 20years, my wife wont even touch my penis so a HJ is out of the question too. Why Doesn't My Wife Want Me Anymore - Is Our Sex Life Over and hugs when one of us leaves the house. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. During the first twenty- five years of our marriage we were both church goers and sent our son to Catholic schools, but we both now feel that religion doeset always have all the answers. You cant have me, but you cant have anybody else, is the most selfish and controlling position possible. Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. So much hurt involved, and guilt. She has owned her own retail furniture store for 10 years and has expressed her desire to sell and get a job until retirement. A lot of my friends say their husbands are like that, too. Married 30 years now. I wish I could be fulfilled without sex, like many women as they age. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. I think that for me I need the human touch of a mature woman. You can be in a marriage without sex. This is really excellent advice. It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. Working with a therapist will help you learn to ask her how she prefers to be touched and help empower her to guide you. Divorce is not an option, But when the second son moves out to college there is an option I take his bedroom AND there is an option I go on an extended car road trip for a few months. So our sex lives dwindled until around 15 years ago she realized a more regular sex life might be a good thing. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). But at this point I dont think her interest in sex will ever revive, so what would your advice be? Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. Maybe you are the only one getting pleased and thats not fun. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. I have no issues with my performance and dont need ED meds. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for marital counseling. Addie I NEED an active partner. Find someone who finds you attractive, become more attractive, get in shape (thats key). An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesnt know about? Same for women who refuse to engage in sex with their partners. I told him we could stay married/faithful to each other without any type of sex/sexual contact. Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? I didnt even get a goodmorning after a month away. The man in solitary pleasure can flavour his immediate physical sensation with the remembrance of shared pleasures, whereas the woman in giving but taking no pleasure in sex finds her memories of shared pleasure to be sullied. What to do about it: Make time to emotionally connect with each other and rekindle your soul connection. Nor, is it a reasonable demand that you need (should) accept. 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. She may well become that cat lady a previous poster described. I am 66 and my wife is 62. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. Sex is over. Nor, should they be. Be loving. 35 Sweet Things To Say To Your Wife To Make Her Go Awww! Dear Joan, Your wife may not know how to put up her mom hat for the day and refocus on herself, which includes enjoying every aspect of her marriage. Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. Getting out of the friend zone with your wife will require you to find another zone for yourself. 25 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband, 12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic, 7 Ways To Get The Romance Back After Having A Baby, 10 Best-Selling Relationship Books Couples Can Read Together, How To Make Up For Forgetting Your Anniversary 8 Ways To Do It. I was too vain and just average. We are happy for the days she has some energy and good enough oxygen levels. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. 1. I feel like its just my life now.